


The D in D & D

by BadBlond099



Series: Familiarity Breeds... [8]
Category: Batman - Fandom, Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Cuz we're all stir crazy, D & D, Hand Jobs, M/M, Never question the bard, Playing while apart, Quarantine, Roleplay, Smut, These guys are crazy uncoordinated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:35:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBlond099/pseuds/BadBlond099
Summary: “Yeah, about these characters. Does it matter what our race is?” Dick brought up.[Certain races have certain traits.]“Right, but if I’m an Elf and Jason’s a Tiefling, can we still have sex?”Jason choked on his drink.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Jonathan Kent/Damian Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake & Kon-El | Conner Kent
Series: Familiarity Breeds... [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731799
Comments: 27
Kudos: 145





	The D in D & D

**Author's Note:**

> Hallo again!
> 
> Okay, still barely pulling off the daily thing right now. Started the posting process before midnight so it kinda counts...
> 
> Anywho! This one took a little longer, I'll admit, because I'm really not well informed on D & D. I've played ONCE and that was while in quarantine aaand some things in this story are pretty directly taken from that experience, but most are just me screwing around.
> 
> Little heads up: I marked Jon and Damian as a couple for this because there are little indicators. They're also bunking together throughout the quarantine. Otherwise Kon's chilling with Tim through this and Steph is with Cass so you can draw conclusions however you like!
> 
> Disclaimer: as I mentioned I have played ONCE and definitely wasn't in charge of DMing or any of that. I happen to work at a nerdy store that sells D & D stuff along with all our other nerdy wares, but that's been closed through quarantine too so I'm a little homesick. Store-sick? It's a weird time for all of us. What I'm saying is if anything I've written comes off as inaccurate, my bad. Really not well-informed and didn't want to research too much for something that was supposed to be a short fic...
> 
> Anywho, as always don't take this too seriously! It's all in good fun! This is part of a series of quarantine-themed short fics revolving around Dick and Jason living together through the quarantine. They're just a challenge to myself to keep my brain working through the writer's block at this time. Reading the others isn't required to enjoy this as they're really not plot-heavy. If you've got any quarantine situations you've experienced that you'd like to read as something ridiculous involving these guys, let me know in a comment! I'm down for some suggestions. Gotta keep coming up with content for these somehow.
> 
> BONUS! I had to keep track of their characters, so I made a little list and included it at the end if you want to know. Dick's will always be my favorite.
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy!

[Alright, is everyone here?]

“For the fifteenth time, Dick and Jay are a go.”

[Sorry it took so long to sort out what was going on with my speakers. Steph and Cass—er, I mean—Rowena the Robust and Bamfry the Badass are good to go!]

[For the sake of keeping you guys straight—and my sanity—I’m just going to call you by your names.]

[Lame sauce!]

“Yeah! I was pretty proud of Petor Parkour,” Dick whined.

[Still doing role call here.]

[Don’t know why we can’t just do this on the same computer like everyone else.]

[You don’t get special treatment just because you’re rooming with the DM, Kon.]

[I fail to see the appeal of pretending to be someone else.]

[Really, Dami? You don’t see the appeal?]

[Okay! We’re all here then! Geez! Everybody clear on what’s going on?]

“Hardly.”

The whole thing had been Tim’s idea. Earlier in the week a pop-up showed up on Jason’s laptop with a personalized invitation to an online game of D&D ‘with your host: Drake!’. Before he could close it out and pretend he’d never seen it, Dick got the same thing on his laptop and begged Jason to participate with him.

Of course, now it was an hour past the scheduled time and they’d barely succeeded in anything.

[So, it looks like most of you guys followed my instructions and set up a basic character. Don’t worry about Jon, Damian. I’ve got one for him. I just sent the sheet over.]

“Yeah, about these characters. Does it matter what our race is?” Dick brought up.

[Certain races have certain traits.]

“Right, but if I’m an Elf and Jason’s a Tiefling, can we still have sex?”

Jason choked on his drink.

[Why would you even—]

[Well there are Halflings for a reason, right? You guys do you,] Stephanie noted.

[I’m a Halfling and I turned out alright.]

[Jon, you’re a Shifter in this game,] Damian pointed out. [Don’t get confused with reality…and don’t encourage their nonsense.]

[For the love of crud! Let’s get to it! Chop chop, Timbo!]

Tim sighed loud enough for them all to hear, but a map showed up on Jason’s screen with seven odd characters gathered together in a tavern.

[Wait, where am I?]

[Steph, you chose Bugbear for your race. You’re the big hairy one in the middle.]

[THAT’S a Bugbear? Damnit, I thought it’d be cute! Who’s the fluffy little kitty-girl then? I thought Cass was just a Human.]

[That’s Damian. He chose Tabaxi.]

[I thought I chose MALE Tabaxi!]

[That IS a male Tabaxi! You said you wanted to look like a Toyger. It’s hard to make you look like a little tiger so—]

[I said TIGER!]

Jason noticed a little toolbar in the corner of the screen and began clicking around while the others debated over their characters. Dick’s snickering eventually gave them away.

[What’s so—oh, come on!]

Jason had scribbled out ‘BEE-OTCH’ all over the screen.

“You left the customizable key up. Be glad I didn’t draw dicks all over the…” While they spoke, a pair of circles slowly appeared on the screen. “Okay, that’s not me.”

[Steph!]

[Tim, are we ever going play this?]

[Yes! God, yes!]

[That’s what he said.]

[STEPH!]

Tim cleared the graffiti from the screen and, after a few more minutes of bickering, finally began to spin a basic tale of why their little group was at a tavern.

[I start a fight with the bartender.]

[What?]

[This has been too slow. You said the bartender was a goblin. I’ve decided that I, Aaron the Air-run-cock-rub, take personal offense to goblins because they once slighted my family!]

[For the love of—Kon, you’re an Aarakocra and you’re a paladin! You follow an oath of—]

[Fight. The. Bartender.]

[I back the flying cock-rub!]

[Steph, you’re a cleric!]

[Doooo iiiiiit!]

Another dramatic sigh. [Fuck it. Roll for initiative.]

There was a collective ‘what’ over the line.

[You heard me.]

Jason scoffed. “You’re dreaming if you think we just happen to have a set of dice at my place.”

[Believe it or not I accounted for that. Go to your character sheet and select the D10 from your roll bar. Your dice are red. Dick’s show up blue.]

“Sweet. Seven for me aaaand…”

“Eh heh. One for me,” Dick said sheepishly. “Guess I’ll just sit back and watch this unravel for now.”

[Hey, I rolled a ten! Does that mean I get to go first?]

[Sort of. First, Kon shouts that the goblin bartender…slighted his mother…the bartender then makes a filthy gesture before calling forth his goblin brethren, who had apparently intended to murder and rob your band anyways.] Suddenly their character icons were surrounded by goblins, all of whom were equipped with knives, whereas their characters were holding flagons of beer. [By the way, your equipment is by the door. No weapons allowed in the tavern. Now, Jon, you can go ahead.]

[Uuuuhh…what CAN I do?]

[Honestly, Jon, you’re a shifter! Just shift into whatever animal you settled on with your character and go feral on them!]

[Easy, Damian. Obviously rushing into things hasn’t done you guys a whole lot of good yet. Jon, you ARE a druid. You have the opportunity to try to clear things up if you think—]

[Can I steal a knife?]

[Roll a D20.]

[Ummm. I got a four.]

[You tried to talk the closest goblin out of his knife and he stabbed you instead for…eight damage.]

[What? That’s mean!]

[Damian’s next so—]

[I wish to kill the goblin that stabbed my Shifter friend!]

[You went with Monk, right? No weapon, not a huge problem. Roll a D8.]

[I rolled a six.]

[Cool. You manage to get behind the goblin, get it in a full-nelson, and proceed to dislocate the arm that was holding a knife. It’s not dead yet, but it’s left crying out in agony, which has deeply pissed off the other goblins.]

[I mock them for their lack of coordination!]

[Sure. Aaand you pissed them off more. They’ve declared you and Kon to be their sole focus now. Jason, you’re up.]

“I laugh at the stupidity of this.”

“Oh, come on,” Dick whined. “You’ve got to really get into it!”

“Whatever. I take one of the goblins hostage and make a break for our gear.”

“That seems a little harsh.”

[Roll a D12 for me.]

“…don’t get why there has to be so many different…eleven.”

[Alright then! And considering your character’s strength…well, you tried to take one hostage and proceeded to snap it’s neck like a twig. So, instead you waved its limp corpse around as a scare tactic, keeping the others away from you while you head for the gear—which you can’t reach yet this turn. Aaand next up is—]

[Finally! I’m the one who picked the damned fight in the first place! I throw a punch!]

[But Kon, you’re a bird-man.]

[Throw. A. Punch.]

[Roll a D6.]

[…Uhh, can I roll again?]

[No, and before you cheat, my program lets the DM see all rolls. Don’t think I don’t see that two.]

[But—]

[For some inexplicable reason—since you’re an Aarakocra with razor sharp talons on your FEET—you throw a punch at the bartender you had initially instigated. He takes minor damage and you actually take two damage for injuring your hand on his face.]

[What!? So not cool!]

[Steph, got any plans?]

[I rob the bar.]

[You’re a cleric.]

[That’s racist.]

[No, that’s classist…You’re seriously going to try to rob the bar?]

[Well, they all seem pretty preoccupied with the other idiots! Seems like the perfect chance!]

[Fuck it. Roll a D20]

[Rollin to rob the place! Whoo! Aaaand I got a thirteen. Is that good? That’s good, right?]

[Well, it’s not terrible. You hopped over the counter and pulled open the cash box, accidentally hitting the guy Kon’s having a personal vendetta with, doing…four damage to him and successfully stunning him while you manage to rob him. It does, however, turn the closer goblins’ attention to you, so heads up. Cass, you ready?]

Cassandra proceeded to describe her character quite vividly taking the goblin with the dislocated arm and using him as a living weapon against a few goblins who just happened to be within her range. She rolled high enough to execute her desires, and upon successfully killing three goblins, she proceeded to throw a knife to Jason (who caught it no problem), and a knife to Kon (who somehow managed to miss it and get it lodged in his own wing).

[Alright. That brings us all the way to you, Dick. Any way you’d like to contribute?]

Jason looked at Dick, anticipating some sort of tomfoolery. The guy had chosen to be a bard, after all, and from what little research Jason bothered with before playing, that tended to lean toward the ridiculous side of—

“I seduce the Tiefling.”

[Dick…he’s on our side.]

[Grayson, don’t waste our time with your nonsense! You should be more concerned with taking the goblins out in order to protect Jon!]

“Yeah, Dick, what the fuck good is it going to do to—” Jason bit his lip when Dick slinked one hand into his pants while using the other to set up to roll.

“I seduce the Tiefling.”

[God I hate you guys. Roll a D20.]

Jason sucked in a breath as Dick gave his dick a squeeze for good measure.

“Nat twenty, Timbers!”

Again, an exasperated sigh.

[Your resident bard pulled out his mandolin and performed a song so seductive, so enticing that the entire bar fell smitten. The target of his affection, however, lost all sense of reason and abandoned his venture to reclaim their gear in favor of throwing the dead goblin aside and…embracing his beloved bard. Deciding the mandolin was in the way, the Tiefling snatched it out of the bard’s hands and threw it at the bartender. Both it and the bartender’s bones splintered when they collided. Meanwhile, the dead goblin plowed through three other goblins, killing them all upon impact…]

“Aaand?”

“What more do you want?” Jason said in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice. He was grateful that they were communicating over voice-chat only since Dick had him in quite the vice.

[Aaaand it turns out, despite his barbaric strength, the Tiefling proved to be a passionate lover on the floor of the bar, with everyone around to fucking witness.]

[Have some shame, dude!]

[Can I make my character look away?]

[Who let Grayson be a bard?]

[GET SOME!]

[Fuck it. That managed to kill off the goblins Cass didn’t get. Let’s just call it there for tonight.]

****

Character list (for the hell of it!)

Jason—Dostoyevsky the Damned—Tiefling barbarian

Dick—Petor Parkour the Nimble—Elf bard

Kon—Aaron McBird the Bird (had a hard time naming it)—Aarakocra paladin

Steph—Rowena the Robust—Bugbear cleric

Cass—Bamfry the Badass—Human rogue

Jon—Jonathan the Quiet (similarly had a hard time with names)—Shifter druid

Damian—Nobunaga the Conqueror—Tabaxi monk


End file.
